


I Wanna Swim Away But Don't Know How

by laurastephanie



Category: All Time Low
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Depression, M/M, Ocean Metaphors, Suicide mention, heart-wrenching breakup, letter-writing, lots of similies, there's a positive ending though promise, this is easily the most emo thing i've ever written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-07
Updated: 2016-11-07
Packaged: 2018-08-29 13:16:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8491168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laurastephanie/pseuds/laurastephanie
Summary: With Jack, Alex feels on top of the world. When Jack leaves, the world is swept out from under him, and when Alex falls, he falls hard.
  
  One mistake and he's gone, leaving Alex tumbling deeper and deeper into a sea of depression, regret, and self-loathing.
  
  When Alex writes Jack a letter as a last attempt at saving himself from the hurt, he doesn't expect a response. Until it comes.





	1. I miss you

**Author's Note:**

> _An old fic reposted from my livejournal. Inspired by Blue October's Into the Ocean._

Dear Jack,

I miss you.

Ever since you left, I haven’t been the same. I’ve been functioning, don’t get me wrong. I finished college; I did my work, and got the best grades I could. I moved back home and helped my mom and my little sister, tried to be everything they needed. But as soon as I didn’t have to put on a show anymore, I would break again. My wounds were too deep to heal quickly, but I had to pretend they did; I had to suck it up and get out the duct tape, and messily put myself back together in order to face the day. But as soon as I had finished the day, I would lie in bed and be consumed by my thoughts, most of them bad.

I still do that. I break again, every night. Maybe it’s the darkness, maybe it’s the instinct of needing a body by yours to keep you warm and safe. The point is, ever since I’ve graduated college, I’ve been seeing more and more of the night. More of the sadness. More of the deafening heartache. More of the heavy loneliness. That’s what it feels like without you here, Jack. I’m so lonely I can barely breathe.

It feels like there’s just…not exactly a cloud, but more like a weight over my head, pushing at me from all sides. It feels like I’m being crushed in the ocean, blackness is all around me and I can’t figure out a way to escape.

I don’t know if you’re still as dedicated to music as you used to be. There’s probably a lot about you I don’t know now. But if I had to describe my life in a song, to make it easier for you to understand, I would pick ‘Into the Ocean’ by Blue October. Give it a listen, for me.

There’s a lyric that goes, ‘I wanna swim away but don’t know how, sometimes it feels just like I’m falling in the ocean’.

Now that I have nowhere to go every day, nothing to distract myself with, that’s how I feel. Constantly. I can’t escape. And it’s killing me.

I know I should occupy myself. Put my degree to use and try to find a job, try to work my way up in the world. I know I should be making you proud, making my dad proud. But I can’t. I just can’t. It’s so hard, Jack.

I don’t know if you feel the same way I do. I don’t know if you’re experiencing the hurt that’s coursing through my veins, prickling me constantly, quietly tearing me apart. I like to think that you aren’t- I like to think that you’re happy, fulfilled, and doing things with your life that we never would’ve dreamed of. Yet this image doesn’t make it any easier to think of you. And I can’t stop thinking of you.

No matter how hard I try.

Every day I remember. I remember how you left.

It was just a normal “morning after”. We had gotten completely wasted at a party the night before, and upon waking up I didn’t remember a wink of it. I was just happy I was in my bed, in our apartment, and I wasn’t dead or kidnapped.

I remember blindly getting up and stumbling to the kitchen, where you were sitting at the table with your laptop and a mug of coffee. You smiled at me and gestured to the pot behind you, informing me that you made extra just because you knew I had an exam later that day. I remember returning your smile the best I could, so violently hung over that I could barely keep my eyes open.

It happened as I was stirring the sugar into my coffee. To this day I can’t put sugar in anymore; I have to drink it black. Anyways.

We both heard my door open, and looked at each other in surprise. There was someone else in our apartment. In my room.

A boy I didn’t know stumbled out, mumbling a good morning. He pulled his shirt over his head and ruffled his hair, then stood and gazed at me.

“Can I help you?” I asked.

“Don’t you remember, Alex?” the stranger countered.

“Clearly not,” I replied. I was searching my half-functioning brain for answers- who was this man, and what had I done with him?

“I fucked you last night, man,” he said bluntly.

Then it all came flooding back. Too drunk to consider my decision’s consequences, I had, in fact, let this complete stranger fuck me the night before. And I had a boyfriend.

My boyfriend was you, Jack.

I remember you turning to me, a mix of fire and hurt blazing in your eyes. “Alex, can you please show our ‘guest’ the door, please?”

Eyes on the floor, I escorted him out.

I never think of the next part. I always stop there.

But, to say the least, you left.

And it was, and still is, the most painful experience of my life.

I think it hurts so much because I know I was responsible. It was my fault; I was the one who fucked up (literally). I was the one who broke your heart, who broke the best thing that had ever happened to me, and, I hope, to you.

Our relationship was like gold. It’s cliché, I know, but to me it was. It was a once-in-a-lifetime thing. I had found my soul mate in you, and you had found yours in me. What we had was the perfect movie love- flawless, whole, and untarnished.

And I threw it all away.

That’s what kills me.

With you by my side, I had the world at my feet. With you, I felt like I could accomplish anything I laid my hands on.

And now, without you, I feel completely worthless.

I guess the point of this letter is to tell you I wish you would come back. I’m formally asking for a second chance with you, if you would ever think of deeming me worthy of one. I want to feel invincible again. I want to feel like I have everything I’ll ever need again. I want, and need, to feel whole again.

I promise I won’t do anything so utterly stupid again. I will treat you with all the respect and loyalty in the world. I will be everything you need and want me to be. I will do anything you ask of me.

I miss you so much. I miss your voice, your laugh, and your sleepy eyes in the morning. I miss the way you would hold my hand, crossing your thumb over mine just so. I miss your demeanor, how childish you were, but in a way that it kept me grounded.

The Jack I know was wonderful. He was gorgeous, he was funny, mesmerizing and charismatic. He was uplifting and kind-hearted. He was my best friend. I loved him then, and I love you now.

I wish I could say these words in person, but there’s no way. I threw your number away in a short-lived fit of rage, but I saved some of the letters you’d written me when I was away in Washington. I have no way of knowing if you still live at this address, but I’m crossing my fingers that it will somehow get forwarded to you.

I don’t know if you’ll ever read this. I don’t know if you’ll even bother opening it. But this is my last resort, Jack. It’s my last hope. I need your help putting myself back together. I can’t do it on my own.

Please.

Always, Completely, and Forever Yours,

Alex


	2. I miss you too

Dear Alex,

I miss you too.

I have to say I was honestly, totally, and completely surprised when I was just flipping through my mail, and I saw a letter with your name in the return address. Your letter forced my life to a grinding halt. I couldn’t even open it at first- I had to let it sit on my counter for a day or two before I finally slit it open and read words that broke my heart, again.

I have been experiencing what you have, Alex. Only take your feelings and multiply them by, say, 3. I try, but it’s so hard to go on. It’s so hard to wake up to another bleak, empty day and go to work and try to act normal. (I work at a record label, by the way. I still love music, just like you remember.) It’s so hard to come home to an empty apartment, and be by myself the rest of the night. It’s so hard to have friends calling you, asking you to come over, and thinking of a million excuses to say no because I just can’t bring myself to be around other people.

When you cheated on me, I couldn’t believe it. I honestly and truly could not believe it. You were the star in my life; something idolized and trusted to always be there in the night sky when I needed it. I was so sure you would never hurt me. And when you did, when you slept with that stranger, it felt like my star had imploded, and there was no more light. My world was in complete blackness.

That’s the simplest way I can put it. I can’t think of any other way to describe the utter loneliness and loss that I felt without you in my life anymore. It took 2 weeks before I could even get out of bed. I felt like a lost boy, thrown abruptly from a ship into the bleak, unforgiving ocean.

I guess I’m using the ocean metaphor, too. I listened to that song you mentioned, by the way. And I understand.

Alex, you have to know that I lost a piece of myself that day. Leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life, getting through the days after being a close second. I was broken by none other than the man I loved. You have no idea how my thoughts tortured me- constantly asking myself what I did wrong, why I wasn’t good enough. So many times I thought of reaching for a bottle of pills and shutting them up forever, but I knew I couldn’t do that. Regardless of what you did, I knew you still loved me. I knew I had to stay for you, even if you weren’t even mine.

So no matter how much it hurt me, how much it tore me apart, I can say that I sincerely forgive you. I’m not mad at you anymore. Actually, I’m mad at that stranger for taking advantage of you while you were not in the right state of mind to be making serious decisions. I know that you would never purposely and willingly make the choice to cheat on me. I know that something like that would never happen again. After all these years, I think I know you well enough to say that you are not that kind of person.

I can’t begin to describe how much I miss you. Losing you was like losing a limb- you were a part of my life, a part of me. I miss your shaggy haircut, which changes every 2 months. I miss sitting around and watching movies with you, and listening to you recite the lines if it’s one you know. I miss making you laugh until you cry. I miss touching you, holding you, just feeling your warmth next to me. I’ve been cold for so long, Alex.

You held me together. You made sure I made wise decisions, and that I was mature when needed. You were gentlemanly, gracious, kind, and sweet. We balanced each other out, and now my life is like the yin-yang symbol without the yang.

So I accept your proposal. I'll come back. I'll help you pick up your pieces, if you help me pick up mine. Together we can remake ourselves and mend our hurt, with touches and kisses and long talks at night.

But I need you to have faith in me and yourself, Alex. I need you to be just as gracious and caring for me as you were before. I need you to understand that I’m going to be wary and fearful for a little while, because I don't want to, I can't, lose you again.

I want you to know that I won’t give up on you. I won’t leave you if you make a mistake. I’ll stay, and we’ll work it out together. I can’t experience these emotions a second time. And I’m sure you can’t either.

I know that things won’t be exactly the way they used to be. Both of us have grown and changed, from this experience and many others that we've had in our time apart. But I know at heart you're still the man I fell in love with, and the man I am still in love with today.

Enclosed, you’ll find my phone number. As soon as you get this letter please call me, so we can make arrangements to see each other again. But I don’t want to rush into anything; let’s just take this slow. We have all the time in the world.

I can’t wait to hear your voice again. I can’t wait to see your grin, so wide that it seems like your face will split in two. I can’t wait to hold you again and never let go. I’ll be waiting by the phone every day for your call.

Hurry.

Still Completely and Forever Yours,

Jack


End file.
